I can't let the question of 'how?' put me off for too long, else I'll be too scared of doing it at all. But still, knowing what to say is impossible. And I can't be my normal blogging self, because that doesn't exist at the moment anyway. So here goes...

First of all, I couldn't be more grateful for all my family and friends. Every single one of you has been fantastic even though I'm not sure I really deserve it, so thank you. I seem to have a ridiculous urge to keep talking to people - anyone - because thoughts only really hit me when I'm alone. And in particular, I have to publicly thank Abbi. Through the joys of life experience, she's the person who has most understood and articulated everything that I feel. I can't thank her enough.

So yeah. I was about to say 'the hardest thing is...' but the truth is there are loads of them. In the spirit of honest if perhaps unbearably awful writing, then, the hardest things include the sudden total lack of communication, not saying a proper goodbye, imagining how she'll be, not being able to provide any comfort, fearing her hatred, and the long, long wait for something you know might never come. When could you ever say anything else to her again? Not now, obviously, not after two days. But two days suddenly feels like a lot longer than it did before.