The Musings of a Red Dalek

Sad things

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:13:06 +0100

Going somewhere

Contrary to rumour, I don't hate cars. True, I do try to avoid them whenever possible and am increasingly hopeful that I'll never even have to learn to drive let alone actually buy one. But I do hate places that bend over backwards to accommodate cars at the expense of everyone and everything else. Brent Cross shopping centre isn't actually nearly as bad as it could be, being in London and thus included on a host of bus routes which sweep you through the car park and right up to the doors. But in recent years they've managed to develop a secondary retail park at the other side of the motorway, and - just my luck - it's the bit with the large bookshop. Buses stop here, too, but the quickest way to get from one side to the other is just to walk on the footpaths over the roads and then try not to get killed by impatient drivers trying to get in or out of the car parks. And looking down at the ugly grey track on which ugly metal boxes are speeding along emitting ugly fumes, it's hard not to wish that perhaps petrol prices could go up just a little bit more. (Although, of course, not in a way that's going to threaten my 90p buses.)

The headline of the Daily Telegraph today, incidentally, was 'You have the right to shoot dead a burglar'. *sighs*. Are Telegraph readers all armed now, too?

I keep on walking til the sun comes up.

The Forbidden Kingdom: A Commentary

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:02:13 +0100

Lucy's been over for the past few days, so we've been around London playing our famous (it's not, but it should be) Tube game: pick a random station with your eyes closed from the index, and then go there. Simple! This time the hand of fate directed us to Finchley Road & Frognal and East Putney, and on our travels we made two important discovered. One: Stiles Bakery near Angel station in Islington - don't ask how we ended up there - does the most delicious milkshakes in the world. And two: The Forbidden Kingdom is the funniest film ever made. We spent the last 20 minutes or so literally in fits of barely-suppressed laughter at the terrible acting and hilarious clich�s. Realising that no-one is going to read this blog and then go out and see the film just for it to make sense, I thought I'd perform a public service and provide a commentary to the plot as recounted on Wikipedia. Naturally, if you are planning to see it (why?) don't read this. All right then, here we go...

"The film opens during a battle between Sun Wukong, the Monkey King (Jet Li), and heavenly soldiers amongst the clouds. It is then revealed the sequence was a dream when a young teenager, Jason Tripitikas (Michael Angarano), awakens in his room plastered with vintage kung fu movie posters. Michael Angarano is an actor who posses a single facial expression: whimpering distress. Every event in his life is met with it, including the discovery that he's had a dream. After getting dressed, he makes his way to a pawn shop in South Boston's China town to buy some new kung fu DVDs. This semi-derelict run-down pawn shop happens to stock brand new shrink-wrapped DVDs. Obvious, its customers were both very desperate and working in the entertainment industry. Like the makers of this film. There, he converses with Hop (a prosthetics-laden Jackie Chan), the shop's elderly owner, and, while thumbing through some DVDs, he is drawn to a room full of antiques and notices a golden staff. Hop tells him that the staff is to be delivered to its rightful owner and then closes the door. As the door closes, slowly, we see Jason's face enter its usual whimpering distress state.

On his way back home, Jason is attacked by local bully Lupo (Morgan Benoit) and his cronies who force him to take them to the store so they can steal some money from the old man. Several things here. First of all, the cronies of the local bully - and there are four of them - are content to spend their lives standing in a line behind their leader grimacing silently. Secondly, Lupo's first move of bullying is to denigrate Jason's bicycle as being a 'loser cruiser', which immediately becomes my favourite phrase ever for its sheer wickedness, had Lupo and Jason been seven years old. And finally, it should be noted that it manages to get very dark inbetween these scenes: obviously the boys went for a pizza with their victim off-screen to pad out the time. Feeling betrayed, Hop tries to attack the thieves with the staff, but is shot by Lupo (much to both Jason and Lupo's cronies' shock). And, ur, Lupo's. Immediately after shooting, he starts babbling in a surprised tone and was clearly unaware that guns contain bullets. He tells Jason that he must deliver the staff to its rightful owner. Jason takes the staff and runs from the thieves. On top of a building, he is surrounded by the bullies, with Lupo warning Jason that he "saw nothing" (out of fear Jason may turn them in to police). Before Lupo can shoot Jason, he is suddenly pulled off the roof by the staff and travels back through time. Make a mental note of this moment: Jason is pulled off the roof of a building and falls - on his back - down to the concrete ground below. We'll come back to this.When Jason wakes up he has been transported back to ancient China, dressed in old-century clothing. There he is attacked by Jade Warriors who try to take the staff from him. They don't understand his speech, and likewise he doesn't understand theirs. He is helped by the Drunken Immortal, travelling scholar Lu Yan (Jackie Chan). All language issues between all characters have now been resolved. Later that night, seated in a teahouse, Lu tells Jason a story of how the Monkey King caused havoc at the banquet on the Five Elements Mountain celebrating the Jade Emperor's forthcoming 500 year period of meditation and drank of the elixir of immortality. The Emperor took a liking to the Monkey King and decided to award him a heavenly title, much to the chagrin of the Jade Warlord (Collin Chou), a heavenly general. The Emperor then left the Jade Warlord in charge of heaven before retreating to his period of seclusion. The Jade Warlord later challenged the Monkey King to a duel, and turned him into stone by tricking the Monkey King to set aside his magic staff, Ruyi Jingu Bang. But before he was fully immobilised, the Monkey King cast his staff into the mundane world. Lu Yan ends the tale by stating a person known as the "Seeker" will be the person to find the staff and free the Monkey King. Phew. Also, for some reason, freeing the Monkey King will cause the Emperor to return too.

Lu Yan and Jason then get into a fight with the Jade Warriors who track them to the restaurant and are saved by a mysterious young woman, who turns out to be the Orphaned Warrior, Golden Sparrow (Liu Yi Fei). It also turns out that she delivers lines as if she's an automated customer service agent. Sparrow's family was killed by the Jade Warlord, and she has vowed vengeance against him. Which is fascinating, because in the flashback scene we see Sparrow hiding down a well as the Warlord personally - personally! - comes and shoots her mother. So how does she know it was him, eh? Did the well contain an emergency periscope?

The Jade Warlord is notified by his men that they have seen the magical staff. He kills one of them for bringing him bad news, which is a really bad employment practice. The Jade Warlord then sends his bounty hunter, the white-haired witch Ni Chang (Li Bingbing), to retrieve it for him. When Jason wakes up in the morning on his own in the middle of a wood he is attacked by a person dressed in white clothes, who takes the staff away. Jason, Lu Yan, and Sparrow the others having re-appeared again follow the trail of the mysterious man. They reach a temple where the man is meditating. There, Lu Yan and the man, the Silent Monk (Jet Li), fight for the staff. I guess this is the bit that kung fu fans enjoy. I was just expecting the mysterious monk to reveal a Free Tibet placard at any moment, given that this is Hollywood. The Silent Monk later learns that the staff is meant for the traveller. The four head towards the Five Elements Mountain in a quest to free the Monkey King and end the reign of the Jade Warlord.

On the way to the Mountain, Lu Yan and the Silent Monk teach Jason kung fu. After crossing a great desert in a scene which begins with a line along the lines of "boy, this desert is hot", just as an indication of this film's sense of subtlety, they are attacked by Ni Chang and the Jade Warriors, but the four escape on their horses with the staff intact. Ni Chang fires an arrow after them, and Lu Yan is hit and falls from his horse. They take refuge in a monastery where they find out that only the Jade Warlord's elixir of immortality will heal Lu Yan. Jason, desperate to help Lu Yan, heads toward the palace with the staff to exchange it for the elixir. You can tell the betrayal is difficult for him, because he's wearing a look of whimpering distress on his face. Once at the palace he learns that the elixir was promised to Ni Chang if she brought back the staff, but since Jason brought it he has to fight Ni Chang to the death, the winner getting the elixir. I'll tell you something: if I had an elixir of life, I'd keep it in more than one jug. The Silent Monk discovers that Jason has left with the staff and pursues Jason along with Sparrow. We're not shown how they manage to do this, which is handy because there was a fearsome army inbewteen them and it a few scenes back. Back at the palace, Jason and Ni Chang fight. Though Jason had developed a good measure of skill in the martial arts and holds his own, the more experienced Ni Chang easily defeats him. But before she can kill him, the Jade Warlord orders her to stop and, instead, sets his own men on Jason. The boy's life is once again saved when the Silent Monk and Sparrow arrive (with Lu Yan in the rear being carried by monks from the monastery who join in the fight with the Jade Army) and intervene. Oh, sorry, yes. The pacifist monks help fight the army.

The Silent Monk duels the Jade Warlord while Sparrow fights Ni Chang. During the fight, Jason manages to grab hold of the elixir and throw it to Lu Yan, who drinks it and becomes immortal, regaining his strength and energy. The audience waits with baited breath to see if the film will become immortal too. Lu Yan then fights Ni Chang on the balcony. The Silent Monk is mortally wounded during his battle with the Jade Warlord and throws the staff to Jason. Cue for: extreme whimpering distress. Jason takes the staff and shatters the Monkey King's statue form, freeing him from his imprisoned state. The Silent Monk dies of his injuries and reverts into a golden hair, revealing him to be a magical human familiar created by the Monkey King prior to his imprisonment. The fight between the Monkey King and the Jade Warlord commences. Sparrow tries to kill the Jade Warlord with a mystical jade dart, but is countered by chi. After a long battle, Lu Yan dispatches Ni Chang by sending her off the palace balcony and Jason is able to kill the Jade Warlord with the dart and dropping him into a pit of lava. His decent into the pit of lava takes a considerable length of time, and he waves his arms about with considerable pizazz as he does so. Jason reaches Sparrow, who thanks him before dying. Even more whimpering distress. He is then praised by the Jade Emperor for fulfilling the people's prophecy. As his reward for his bravery, Jason chooses to be transported back home to modern day Boston. Out of anything in the world that a benevolent magical Emperor could provide, Jason opts to return to his awful life where by rights he should be dead. Oh, the cruel curse of low expectations. Why not 'I want to go back home and have a better bike'? But alas.

When Jason wakes up, he is lying flat on the ground below the building he supposedly fell from and is attacked by Lupo's gang, but this time he uses his newfound kung fu skills, fights back, and defeats Lupo single-handedly. Here we go: Lupo's gang aren't in the least surprised that a boy they watched fall backwards onto concrete isn't just alive, but up and about too. Also, after kung fu manages to defeat the leader of five armed men, the four cronies jump backwards with a deft synchronicity which screams 'cast me in a musical!'. Hop manages to survive the gunshot (the medics stated that the bullet missed his heart), and is taken to the hospital, but not before stating he is immortal and thanking Jason for completing his mission. Robotic medics stand by and watch safe in the knowledge that the elderly man suffering a gunshot wound will be fine. Despite the fact they clearly haven't examined him, because said gunshot wound is still covered by clothing. Before Jason leaves the scene, he sees a girl who looks like Sparrow. She congratulates him for his bravery and tells him she will see him later. She then goes into her store (the Golden Sparrow). Jason, surprised but delighted to see her, leaves and goes home, where he practises his kung fu on the roof with a staff. I believe the exact ending is "See you around sometime?" and then - with perfect cheesiness - "Definitely!". But the whimpering distress has finally vanished, to be fair. And that's it: The End. Please please please: no sequels."

Live travel news

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 19:43:24 +0100

My week

Please note that there is currently severe mood disruption between Waseley Prom and Leaving Party. This is due to ridiculous train services. Specific station information now follows:

Tricycle Theatre: A good service is operating - alight here on Monday evening for Moonlight & Magnolias, a very funny and well-done play made all the better by the unique atmosphere of the Tricycle.

QPCS Concert: Alight here on Tuesday evening for the Summer Concert, including excellent performances from Alice 'New Girl' Jenkins and somebody who played and sang Regina Spektor's Samson to my great delight. Change here for the QPCS line. Please note that the QPCS line is running a reduced nostalgia service from June 2007.

Saoirse's Birthday: A refreshments service consisting of lasagne, chips and chocolate cake operates at this stop. A reduced friendship service may operate whilst Saoirse reads a book bought from the 'Business - Globalisation' section of a bookshop.

Waseley Prom: Alight here on Thursday night for the Waseley Sixth Form Prom, featuring dancing, strict ID-checks and a cool bloke named Mike. Facebook links are available for customers wishing to connect to photos of this event. Change here to visit Lucy. Travel update: Injuries are being reported along this route. Please check with the operator of this service for further announcements.

Leaving Party: Under construction. Alight here for Barrie Birch's leaving party: one of the defining faces of Queens Park leaves the scene! Change here for the QPCS line. Please note, in case you missed it the first time, that the QPCS line is running a reduced nostalgia service from June 2007.

Book Group: Under construction. Customers are advised to check the arrivals board for Saoirse and Sanna in order to discuss Lucas by Kevin Brooks.

Grandparent Tea: Under construction. All change please! This week will terminate here. Return trains are not running.

These are a few of my favourite things...

Mon, 7 Jul 2008 18:54:43 +0100

This wasn't intentional, but I don't think I've blogged since my dad added me to his RSS reader. (Hello!) Nor, indeed, since my mum joined Facebook... go go go, parents 2.0! (Oh god - making the family a more integral part of online social networking will probably find its way into another nauseating David Cameron speech soon. I'll have to add 'The State' as a Facebook friend in response.) Anyway, I thought I'd start with Thursday, High Barnet and Star Wars. Yes - much to the great surprise of all concerned I've never actually bothered to watch the original Star Wars films in full - a deficit of knowledge which Oliver, Abi and Abi's sister Sarah started to make up for on Thursday when we gathered to watch Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (*snigger* - 'episode IV' indeed). In all its endlessly fiddled-around with DVD glory, it was fun enough and I am quite looking forward to seeing the remaining parts. Careful: no-one spoil who Luke's father turns out to be...

I think I managed to catch the very last Tube back from High Barnet, and probably did nothing the next day because my memory skips forward to Saturday: the day of the QPCS summer 'carnival' - quote marks borrowed from Alex Trafford - as well as the Doctor Who grand finale and (last but certainly not least) Abbi's Dirty Pirate Hooker party. I don't think anything I say about that last thing could compete with photos of the fantastic costumes, so check out Abbi's Facebook - hey, now my mum can too - for photos of those. And now I'm off to the Tricycle, which is always the start of a good night, so adieu.

Latest nostalgic musical addiction: Big Brovaz. You mess with my cheese and I�ll switch just like Schwarzenegger.

Summer in the city (and the very-clearly-not-city)

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:07:20 +0100

Livingstonesque?

Appropriately enough, as I'm writing this blog whilst listening to Ken Livingstone presenting on LBC, I thought I'd start with this photo from the train which Abi, Oliver and I took to Shoreham on Saturday morning. I was supposed to be looking as if I was happily contemplating my secret plan to renationalise the railways - something which comes very easily to me on trains, I have to say. Ahaha, one day... *cackle*

Abi, Joe and f�te food!

Anyway, Shoreham Village F�te was a great day out, and many thanks to Joe for hosting us. We ate, drank, slid down slides, watched falcons flying and smashed crockery (an event now complete with Health and Safety glasses) under the bright summer sun, which managed to get us all in the end. With our reddening skin, we then travelled back to my house to watch Doctor Who... and what an episode it was Without spoiling anything for anyone else - I really can't wait for next week!

A brave band of slightly sun-burnt travellers

Mango beer! Hurrah!

That evening I jumped off the bus leading Abi and Oliver back to the Northern line (pah) and into the presence of Joshua. Yay, Joshua With work meaning that he was now unable to attend the picnic planned for the next day, I was really glad we were able to go for a few pizza slices and mango beers to catch up after another term. It was also the first time I'd seen his slightly shorter hair but with my own currently shortish hair it still trumps mine!

Picnic people: Sanna, Robert, Saoirse, me, Emily, Rishal and Charlotte

So! Finally! The what is turning into the annual Hampstead Heath pic-a-nic took place yesterday, reuniting me with some people that I hadn't seen in a very long time. In the case of Robert, since last September! No-one has really changed much, though Although hayfever did come after me and Sanna in particular, it was very much worth it to see everyone again and a few of us came back to mine to enjoy the first of the four new Futurama movies. One exciting new development on behalf of me, Sanna, Saoirse and Emily is the determination to begin a book group over the summer - clearly sailing quickly into middle age! The first book has indeed already been selected, so hopefully the momentum will continue and I will be pushed into reading fiction again. Hooray for summer

Old friends (and young friends)

Soaking up the serotonin

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 23:30:49 +0100

My Grand Tour of ~~British Rail~~ 'National Rail' stations has seemingly been resumed for the summer! Luckily I agree with Sanna - travelling by train is the best - so I highly enjoy it. Over the past few days I've been at Lucy's, from whence we made an expedition to Worcester yesterday. (I really should have twigged before now that at the heart of every Somewhereshire is a central Somewhere, but never mind. I'm not a shire-dweller.) It was a lovely trip, and in our quest for free activities we took in the River Severn, an art gallery and Worcester Cathedral - although in this last place we spent a worrying share of time in the gift shop. Sitting alongside a book attacking Richard Dawkins was a hefty tome detailing the Church's approach to homosexuality, with contributions from various different authors and bucketloads of scriptural quotes to feather out their chapters. I take quite a bit of pride in knowing that I could outline my entire 'approach to homosexuality' on the back of a napkin, although in the light of the embarrassing backwardness we've had to witness this week it obviously hasn't sunk into everyone yet. Grrr!

We've also whiled away the hours playing the London Underground board game which Lucy got me for my birthday Bit perturbed that TfL have classified this as part of the 'childrens' section though! It's clearly a very mature and advanced endeavour, despite unforgivably cropping the Tube map to the exclusion of Willesden Green.

Tomorrow I'm back on the train to Shoreham to see Joe's motherland and take part in what promises to be a highly exciting village f�te! I hope you're ready for us, Kent...

Overwhelmed

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 11:59:32 +0100

Things are too good at the moment! After the May Ball I went home for two nights to spend my birthday with family, which was really lovely and included a traditional meal at Pizza Express, surely one of the best places in existence. After a gentle day of watching new Futurama - new Futurama! - receiving generous gifts and satisfyingly getting Katie her computer back from the dead, I returned to Cambridge this morning for a final night in my beautiful room. And was met with even more amazing things! Top of the list must be this indescribably awesome dartboard:

Yaaaaay!

I can tell that Oliver and Abi absolutely slaved over the making of this, and I'm thankful beyond words. Love it! Everyone else also got me brilliant presents and cards: a plump biography of London from Owen, and a Doctor Who game and Tube book from Sophie, Irfan and Joe. Thank you all! Also pictured below are my sexy cards, from Daily MWail parody to a Doctor Who badge bearing one...

So me that it hurts

Mmm... my cake!

Before I go and picnic in the sun, I would also just like to say thank you to everyone who has e-mailed, commented, Facebooked or even sent real cards (you know who you are ): I love you all and will get round to replying to everyone as soon as I possibly can! I hope all students especially have an amazing summer which is pleasingly free of work stress...

Wow. Seriously, wow. May Ball!

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 00:30:57 +0100

Genuine enthusiasm time: 2008's Caius May Ball - City Lights - was one of the best experiences in my entire life, ever. Sure, we'd heard that May Balls were something special to look forward to. The eye-watering ticket prices do suggest that it's going to be big. But it's impossible to fully describe what they're really like: extravagant, amazing, luxurious, decadent, wonderful. We arrived at 8pm for champagne before dinner at 9pm... and by 'dinner' I mean a fabulous five course meal lasting two hours accompanied by white wine, red wine, dessert wine and port. And then, armed with a beautifully designed programme, we had the entire night to explore what was on offer in the college grounds and rooms. Which was more than anyone could possibly take in over just one night! From bands such as Supergrass and British Sea Power playing on stage to burlesque, jazz and blues performances. Magicians, clairvoyants, comedians and mind readers. Classic interwar films in a cinema, rides, games and dancing. And all through the night, unlimited - and free! - food and drink: martinis, Pimm's, beer, ~~larger~~ lager, wine and much else besides - including tea! - alongside crepes, seafood, candy floss, doughnuts, ice-cream, chocolate fountains and, again, just about everything you could wish for. We partied all night until the survivors' photo at 5.30!

Hurray! Rides! See more in the photo gallery!

There are so many magical moments from last night, a few of which are captured in my photo gallery which will be accompanied by Facebook photos shortly. It can't tell the whole story, however, of how wonderful it was to enjoy such an amazing party and round off a year of uni with so many good friends - and Lucy. So if you ever get the chance, don't turn down a ticket to a Cambridge May Ball!

Because everyone will rave about the main bands playing, I thought I'd share a little glimpse of my own personal little highlight from the night: Kitty La Roar and Nick Of Time. Here they are performing a mashup of Shaggy and Robbie Williams... great fun

Oh, and I've just turned 19! Hurray

Garden Parrrrtay!

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 17:01:22 +0100

Cheers, Owen!

Phew. I have just enjoyed the most rewarding shower, a lovely long, hot and strong affair. The Garden Party - which has been causing Abi and I great stress over the past week with a particularly hairy 'we have no barbecue?' few days towards the end - came off without a hitch. Despite a weather forecast of showers the rain held off, albeit threatening us with drops once or twice before deciding to be generous and give us sun. Many thanks are in order too: to Abi, obviously, to Owen, who did a fantastic job as head chef behind the barbecue despite not even being a historian, to Oliver and Joe who gave us loads of time rather than standing back and watching us struggle, to Sophie for her (wifely) moral support, to Tom, Felix and Richard for lending us their expertise gleamed last year - and, in Richard's case, mixing our Pimm's! - and to GCSU and the porters for everything. And to everyone who came, too! Hurray!

And everything turns out alright

Sorry about the poor quality photos, but they're better than nothing and - as Owen put it - we wanted something to prove that it happened. Event management is hard though. I don't know how my mother - or Nic - does it In fact, it wasn't until it was all over that I suddenly remembered that it was Doctor Who tonight! So now Abi, Oliver and I have our evening's entertainment all planned out too yay!

A blog post which finally ends up retelling a trivial event in great detail

Sun, 8 Jun 2008 23:58:20 +0100

At this exact moment in time I feel slightly off: not, you may argue, the best time to be writing a blog. I think I blame GG for unwittingly fostering my current mini-addiction to Motorcycle Emptiness, but there's also the weird realisation that as this term draws to a close that's a whole year of uni over and done with. A whole year! Where on earth did all that time go? My final essay is a bit of a strange one, too - though quite fun at the same time - full of high-concept 'history' on 'everyday life'. If people had been publishing blogs consistently across the twentieth century it would be a lot easier to write, that's for sure.

I do look forward to the Caius History Society garden party on Saturday, largely because Abi and I are in charge of organising it and it'll be a relief to see it through. We felt like real Apprentice candidates in Sainsbury's the other day buying up supplies, half-expecting to see Nick or Margaret in the corner muttering sarcastically about some huge and costly mistake we were making. However, I do want to stress that at this point our (fully accounted) costs are coming in squarely on budget! So even if it is a disaster, it shouldn't be an expensive disaster

Ooh - y'know what, blogging actually does improve my mood and I feel significantly better than 'slightly off' now. Isn't that reassuring? It's a rollercoaster emotional ride, this blog. Ooh and I'm suddenly reminded of one of the odd little moments of my day which deserve eternal preservation. As I was walking along this afternoon, in my own little music-enhanced world, I noticed some unexpected eye contact was occurring with a woman who - at a guess - would be in her mid 50s. And she was talking to me, too? Hmm, this could be important - what if she was seeking shelter from the Vashta Nerada in the sunlight? - so I paused whatever I was listening to and asked what was up. "Oh, I just noticed that that man riding his bicycle" - and she points to indicate said bicycle speeding into the distance - "had a rather impressive white beard. So I shouted it to him as he rode past."

Now, I would love to say that I responded with some sort of quick witted response, or even something vaguely audible at all. Like "I suppose he'll be hair today and gone tomorrow!" - although on reflection that rather implies that the man with the impressive white beard was also fast approaching death, so perhaps not. But you get the idea. Instead, I just stood there smiling in a look of utter confusion, unable to quite process the fact that a stranger was talking to me on the street without demanding my phone. She seemed to sense this, and kindly added "I've been outspoken all my life you see, so I'm not going to stop now." Well, good on her! And indeed I managed to squeeze out "I think that's a great way to live!" or something, before the awkward silence re-emerged and I waited through just enough seconds of yet more awkward smiling before I could politely walk on. But thank you, outspoken woman. You're a fine example to us all.