Ricky Martin – God’s lost child?

Ricky’s cry for help

Ricky Martin – God’s lost child?

Ricky Martin – God’s lost child?

Ricky Martin is a legend. With international fame and fortune, girls love him, guys love him, sheep probably love him. No one actually honestly deep-in-their-heart dislikes Livin’ La Vida Loca – how could you? It’s fun with a capital F (sorry, it’s Fun with a capital F) and it was in Shrek 2, right?

But have you ever wondered whether God would approve? To find out, I decided to e-mail the ultimate authority on His Divine Will – right-wing Christian websites based in the States. Here’s the e-mail:

Hi. My name is Richard. I’m… a bit unsure about writing this e-mail to be honest, but I need help and I need Jesus and your site just speaks to me. I’ll try and explain but it’s late and my mind is confused about what’s going in my life.

Basically, well, it’s all about this girl. She’s into… superstitions. Put it like that. Black cats and voodoo dolls, that sort of thing. And I feel a premonition – really strongly in my heart – that this girl’s going to make me ‘fall’.

Oh but it’s great. She’s into new sensations – ‘new kicks in the candle light’ as my old mother would say. So I tried to put up with her habits. But it seems like she’s got a new addiction for every day and night! (If you know what I mean)

The things she does, with me, you know I feel embarrassed talking about them even though you’re just a stranger online. She’ll make you… take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain, yeah we did that once. It’s like this utterly crazy life, she’ll make me live it, but she completely takes away all my pain. But I think Jesus is telling me it’s like a bullet, you know, to my brain. Come on! Help me God!

I’ll tell you about the craziest thing she did. You won’t believe me, honestly, it’s so crazy. I woke up, one morning, in New York City. A funky, cheap hotel (you know the kind). She took my heart, that girl. (She also took my money… oh but that’s a different story altogether!) Anyway, when I saw her in the room, I realised she must have slipped me a sleeping pill or something. Of course, because she never drinks the water! She makes me order champagne instead (French, she insists.) Haha, I just thought, she’s a bit like that herself. Once you have a taste of her you’ll never feel the same eh?

She is going to make me go insane. Oh Jesus, what shall I do?

Yours faithfully,

Richard Martino


It was a masterpiece, so I sent off Richard’s requests and waited for Jesus to have his say.

Well, first of all – name and shame time. Goodfight? Psychoheresy? You’re both mad and Christian and extreme and concentrate on debunking all that is evil and wrong in music and psychology respectively – but no reply? God would be ashamed.

Moving on. Search the Scriptures wins it for a speedy yet concise reply yet I felt was a little lacking somehow:

Richard,

Isn’t Jesus already telling you to have nothing to do with her and to run away from her as fast as you can.

Search The Scriptures

I didn’t feel the need to reply since their lack of a question mark implied they were being rhetorical and I was being stupid – just leave the damn woman already. All fine, but not much help in an emotional crisis.

My fortunes changed drastically with the Spiritual Counterfeits Project. At last, people who would understand:

Richard,

I hate to be callous with you; I certainly understand affairs of the heart. But it sounds to me that she is running the show in your relationship, and I believe biblical that the man should set a relationship’s temple. She is also not a follower of Christ. But you say you are a follower of Christ. Then if this is true, flee from this woman. It seems as if she has already made you stumble, and you don’t want to do that!!!

Perhaps with your leaving she will see the light and consider trusting Jesus!

May God guide you in these dark hours,

In the Lamb,

SCP

Hurrah! If you’re reading this, Ricky, you really need to set your temple a bit more.

Two minutes later, however, we had a slight retraction. It turns out that the good people at the Spiritual Counterfeits Project rumbled my ruse and were remarkably good natured about it. So, if you’re ever in the market for spiritual assistance against occult, cults, occults and cults… I highly recommend these guys.

My journey was not yet over. I still had to go for the mega giant of evangelical Christianity – Got Questions! These are people who actually invite and welcome questions, so it was only fair to give them the final world.

The key issue here is the fact that you are romantically involved with a woman who is not a believer. 2 Corinthians 6:14 declares, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” While this passage does not specifically mention marriage, it most definitely has implications for marriage. The passage goes on to say, “What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you” (2 Corinthians 6:15-17).

The Bible goes on to say, “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Having any kind of intimate relationship with an unbeliever can quickly and easily turn into something that is a hindrance to your walk with Christ. We are called to evangelize the lost, not be intimate with them. There is nothing wrong with building quality friendships with unbelievers – but that is as far as it should go. If you were dating an unbeliever, what would honestly be your priority, romancing them or winning their soul for Christ? If you were married to an unbeliever, how would the two of you cultivate a spiritual intimacy in your marriage? How could a quality marriage be built if you disagree on the most crucial issue in the universe – the Lord Jesus Christ?

A lot of good points here, a lot of good points. I hope Ricky Martin – wherever you are – is comforted.

God bless you all.

« | »

24 Comments on :
Ricky’s cry for help

  1. Superbly fabulous good sir! Very well done, I was laughing out loud throughout!

  2. nottelling says:

    Nice…

    Mind you as a Christian myself, but also one who has a clue I’d have spotted that. Still, good effort.

  3. blain says:

    A big hurrah for anything that makes a mockery of these loons

  4. Nathan says:

    Excellent work, sir. And congratulations for getting someone to say ‘As a Christian…’ in your comments thread. Always makes me chuckle.

  5. — The Bible goes on to say, "Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character" (1 Corinthians 15:33). —

    Whoops. I wonder if it depends on the type of misleading?

  6. Melissa says:

    That first reply is especially funny, because it’s so close to what Dan Savage of Savage Love would probably say: DTMFA (dump the motherfucker, already!)

  7. God says:

    As a Christian…

  8. mohammed says:

    as a christian…

  9. muffrat says:

    Nice work – though too easy a target. Next time, try emailing ‘Ask an Imam’ or Rappin’ with the prophet’ for some guidance

  10. Goatscheese says:

    As a christian…

  11. Jesus says:

    As a Jew…

  12. Ricky Martin says:

    Bless you all… and by the way, I’m not gay. Probably.

  13. Boz says:

    I hate it when people take scriptures out of context, especially when they do it deliberately to mislead others. The passages quoted aren’t specifically about marriage or relationships. This one is:

    "If any brother has a wife who is not a believer, and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wfie has been sanctified through her believing husband" (1 Corinthians 7:12-14)

    But that’s all a bit serious for such a funny blog. Nice work fella, are you gonna do more of these?

  14. Satan says:

    As a Christain…

  15. AntiChrist says:

    As a Christian…

  16. God is looking in the mirror says:

    say what?

  17. Moritz says:

    Nice one. You should join the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster .

  18. twincats says:

    You totally rock!

  19. Well, the popular thinking is that Jesus was gay, so the Ricky connection MUST be true?

  20. The opera singer says:

    Yey! My heart did leap for joy at the banal mediocre bible slinging nutters.

  21. child says:

    Bless you all… We all are Jesus children

Comments are closed.